5 steps toward becoming a better hacker

I opened my inbox this morning and found a message impatiently waiting for me from Teri Shipps, the IMAP coordinator (IMAP = International Music Academy Pilsen, the program I've attended in Czech Republic the past two summers). However, this email was rather unlike any other I had ever received from her, preceded by a subject line that screamed "HELP" in all caps with a few dozen exclamation points added for emphasis. I opened the message and was immediately assaulted by tragedy and heart-felt pleading, as detailed below:

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, I came down here to London England for a short vacation unfortunately i was mugged at the park of the hotel where i stayed,all cash,credit card and cell were stolen off me but luckily for me i still have my passports with me.
I've been to the embassy and the Police here but they're not helping issues at all and my flight leaves in less than 3hrs from now but am having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let me leave until i settle the bills,I'm freaked out at the moment.Got nothing left with me..i was mugged off all i got,can you please help me out with some cash?.I promise to pay back as soon as i get back....So freaked out here

Teri Shipps
Admissions Coordinator
International Music Academy Pilsen, Czech Republic
3098 Cross Creek Court
Ann Arbor MI 48108 USA
ph/fax 1-734-222-8003
www.ima-pilsen.com

Calling all hackers. If you're going to hack the email of someone in a professional position, perhaps you should be aware of the following:

A professional:
1) doesn't refer to him/herself as an uncapitalized "i," which is a morbidly unacceptable way to treat a first-person, singular personal pronoun in the English language.
2) doesn't use the words "freaked out" in written conversation (or spoken, for that matter), especially multiple times in the same paragraph.
3) doesn't construct sentences like "i was mugged off all i got."
4) knows that hotel managers are in fact neither hostage holders nor bounty hunters.
5) realizes that the best way to get help in a dire situation is not to find the nearest internet cafe and email random acquaintances on his/her email list.

Better luck next time.