Friday, August 13, 2010

"CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF"

Aha! You thought this was going to be another g-pod post, didn't you?!

Well.

Thankfully, it is not.

If you take a second look at the title of this post (though you probably don't need one, as it is blaring at you in all caps), you will notice that there is a suspicious appearance of these curious little things called quotation marks.

I know that almost every blogger and his or her dog posts a rant at one time or another about proper grammar and its usage (well, those people and their dogs who understand what proper grammar is, anyway). However, as grammatical atrocities seem to be nearing the status of "rampant plague" these days, it is in behalf of all humankind that I join myself to these ranks of grammar ranters, though I intend not so much to rant as simply to point out how very silly the overuse--or perhaps the more appropriate term would be misuse, though both words amply apply to the following example--of quotation marks is, and convey to you my continual astonishment at how these kind of horrendous grammatical deformities get themselves onto engraved signs and plaques.

Early this afternoon, I was on break up on the top-secret ___ floor of the library in the top-secret employee break room, eating my top-secret snack with my top-secret co-worker, who happened to be dining on top-secret enchiladas that somehow got snuck past security.

When she finished her enchiladas, I walked around the corner with her into the small, galley-style kitchen (top-secret, of course) so that she could wash her now enchilada-less container. What immediately assaulted my eyes is the picture I have posted below. I warn you: this picture is not for the faint of heart nor the weak-minded.

Don't be fooled by all of those quotation marks--this is not a placard to commemorate your elementary school's cantankerous lunch-lady's favorite sayings. This is actually a public-information placard posted in an educational institution whose specific purpose is to house and preserve the written word.

Alas.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's always nice to have options.

The time has come, my friends---

Oooo! Light bulb.

[Warning: Tangent(s) ahead]

*Searches IMDB*

The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wigs
Calloo, Callay, come run away
With the cabbages and kings.


"Whether pigs have wigs"? Yes, I'm afraid even IMDB is fallible. If my memory serves correctly (which it does), not to mention my perception of the rhyming scheme (which is flawless), the walrus's proposed discussion is not whether pigs sport toupees, but whether they possess appendages with flying capabilities.

Yes, as a small child, I had two favorite movies: Fantasia and Alice in Wonderland. My reluctantly tolerative father also had two favorite movies--"favorite" being defined as which videocassettes would be his most favored choices for sudden, inexplicable, and very permanent disappearances. But no matter how much he tried to dissuade me from my love of pretend tea parties and hippos in ballet shoes, I never gave them up...

(End of tangent)

Speaking of tangents, have you ever paused to realize that "tangent" is in fact a mathematical term that also happens to make complete sense when used colloquially? In A.P. Calculus one day (way back when), I gained a sudden insight:


Isn't that cool?!!! A tangent is an intersecting line that travels in a new direction...be it on a graph, or in conversation!

Apparently, this revelation may not be a revelation at all to most (or all) of you, (as my co-worker just assured me whilst giving me an incredulous look when I explained to him what this graph is representing), but I thought I'd share my epiphany just in case.

(End of Tangent the Second)

As I was saying.

The time has come, my friends.
For my five-year high school reunion.
Bah!

The main reason I find this worth mentioning is that there is at present a rather amusing virtual battle raging between my old classmates and the student council that our once seventeen-year-old selves elected.

As we are currently living in the day of social networking sites, I of course received my invite on Facebook.

The original message read:

The 2005 Senior Class Presidency is happy to announce that even though five years have passed since graduation, we still haven’t forgotten about you.

[Well, isn't that kind?]

We will be holding our five year class reunion at Green Hollow located at 1862 Southeast Bay Boulevard in Provo (upstairs in the East Bay golf course clubhouse). While catching up with old friends, face-to-face (not Facebook-style ), you will find yourself takenback in time while you delight in chicken cordon bleu, garlic mashed potatoes, and baby carrots in brown sugar as well as a house salad, rolls, and refreshing raspberry lemonade. Now let’s not forget about dessert! Your choice of cheesecake with warm berry sauce or a brownie sundae with hot fudge. So save this date: Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 7:00 PM.

[In case you didn't already guess, they lost me at "baby carrots"...disgusting things...]

ADMISSION INFO
RSVP on Facebook (mark "Attending") to get on the guest list. Those on the guest list will get in after they pay. Admission is only $20.00 per person with pre-
registration. You can bring another friend, a significant other, a wifey or husband, or anyone else you can talk into coming with you, just as long as their admission is paid separately. Without an "Attending" RSVP on Facebook, you won't make the guest list. Marking "Maybe Attending" is the same as marking nothing. Please do not mark “Maybe,” even if you are unsure. To get on the guest list, you must mark “Attending” by Wednesday, September 1, 2010. No exceptions. If you are not on the guest list and do not pay in advance, you can still purchase tickets at the door for $25 per person.

[
Not everybody gets on Facebook or even has a Facebook...so let's make those people pay an even more exorbitant fee! Mwahahaha.]

DRESS CODE
Nice casual wear required. Hoodies, t-shirts, and hats are strongly discouraged. Dress to impress, and you'll be just fine.

[Okay, I won't make a snide comment here, though I can think of plenty.]

NITTY GRITTY
Please NO Children!! A wallet with pictures of them will do the trick.

***********
Amongst the abundant feedback that ranged from 'indifferent' to 'moderately infuriated' posted on the wall of the event, here is the one which, in my opinion, got the point across best:


And so, being the independents that we, Payson High School Class of 2005, are, today I received the following invitation:


Take that, student council.

(What really makes me chuckle is the high likelihood that the free day-event will be better attended than the official reunion...ah, good ol' Payson High.)