Friday, May 11, 2012

Concerning squeegees and squashed bugs

10 signs that you deeply value tidiness, sanitation, and your dearly beloved automobile


10 symptoms of OCD (Obsessive Car-cleaning Disorder)

1.     You vacuum your car seven times more frequently than many people vacuum their living rooms.
2.     When you vacuum your car, four other cars come and go at the vacuum next to you at the car wash in the time it takes you to finish just the front half of your car.
3.     You defend the above-mentioned symptom with statements that include words such as “thorough” and “meticulous.”
4.     The first week after you vacuum, you can’t bear to wear your shoes inside the car and get it dirty again, so you slip off your very sensible footwear for such situations (flip flops), and carefully lay them down back-to-back on the floor. When you arrive at your destination, you carefully place them on the ground outside the car door and slip your feet back into them.
5.     While waiting to pick someone up, you grab the handy dust cloth you keep in the glove compartment and quickly dust the dashboard, steering wheel, and stereo. And then the cup holders, the door handles, and the console. And then the air vents, after which you readjust them so they look symmetrical.
6.     When you return home after giving people a ride in your car, you often shake out the mats (usually just the protective mats that are on top of the real mats, though you shake both if necessary) and straighten them, all the while keeping an eye out for bits of stray lint that have found their way onto the seats.
7.     Whenever you need to fill your car with gas, you specifically choose a station that has those handy little windshield squeegees*. While the tank begins to fill, you scrub the bugs off the windshield. Then you decide it wouldn’t hurt to wash the windows, too. Then you scrub little spots of dirt off the hood and the trunk. Then you notice a spot you missed on the windshield, so you do it over again. Then you notice the pump has long since finished filling your car with gas.
8.     You shed actual tears every time you discover another scratch or door-bang on the side of your car.
9.     Your trunk has nothing in it but an ice scraper.
10.  You think very carefully before parking under any trees, as you prefer to avoid having your car covered in colorful packages of bird refuse.

Yes, I unabashedly confess—guilty on all counts.

And actually, as my car is by far my most substantial material investment to date, I not only confess. I proudly claim the right to treat it in just such a way. It is, after all, my dearly beloved automobile.

*Isn't "squeegee" a simply fantastic word? hehehe

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