Thursday, May 20, 2010

G-POD the Second

I once lived in a g-pod. When I moved out of this g-pod, I did rejoice muchly. I entered a (mostly) blissful living existence in which my environment was clean, there was very little drama, and my roommates were kind and considerate of others.

But I should have known that such an ideal way of life couldn't last forever, let alone more than one semester.

With that introduction, we now begin the saga of G-pod the Second.

Beginning of spring term: my dear, wonderful roommate, Alice, moves out to head to Montana for a summer internship. Into her place moves Tiffany (*name has been changed*), whose previous residence was Heritage Halls. Though slightly apprehensive about living with a person who is still quite freshly out of high school and the freshman dorms, I don't immediately suspect that things will soon be not-so-very-pleasant. For the time being, all is fine and dandy.


A couple days later, I come home to find a stranger surfing the internet whilst lounging on my couch with a pillow and blanket, all of her worldly possessions stacked around her in what was once my apartment's small but adequate living room space. A folded mattress is stashed in the corner of the room, and a big green tote occupies the coffee table, its innumerable contents spilling onto the floor. A sleeping bag and several miscellaneous objects litter the other couch. I notice a hairbrush precariously resting on top of the refrigerator. A feeling of panicked anxiety enters my mind as my days of toxic rubbish smotherization (i.e. crumbled cracker crumbs, dirty dishes, used tissues, soiled socks, bits of trash, etc.) in the g-pod suddenly flash before my eyes.

"Are you one of my new roommates?" I ask apprehensively. "Did you buy the available contract?"

"Oh, hello!" she replies, seeming slightly startled. "I'm one of Tiffany's friends. And no, I'm not a new roommate." But before the rushing feeling of relief had quite calmed my racing heartbeat, she adds, "I'll just be staying here for the summer."

"Uh? What?" I ask, thoroughly confused by her apparently oxymoronic statement.

"Well, I'm doing this sort of camping study abroad thing."

"Camping study abroad?" I thought to myself. "What, camping on our living room couch?"

"Hmmm, okay," I said, deciding not to judge things too quickly and inquire further later.


Several days pass. The apartment becomes increasingly filled with rubbish. I ask illegal-roommate (Helga, for our future reference here, seeing as she is [as one of my coworkers put it] "practically a Viking invader") in a very nice manner if she could please clean up her (I was very tempted to use the word CRAP, but did not) because I couldn't have the apartment in such a state when teaching piano lessons. She kind of nods her head, but her eyes stay glued to the computer screen, and her earphones stay clamped on.

I come back from work just in time to teach one of my Friday afternoon piano students. He arrives for his lesson, along with his mother, but there is not even a place for her to sit on the couch, as nothing has been cleaned up whatsoever. I apologize, and realize that something has GOT to be done.

But then, suddenly, Helga disappears. Unfortunately, not all of her stuff disappears with her, but Helga has, for a few days at least, departed our abode.


A week passes. The apartment is cleaned up and livable once again. I begin to wonder if I had misinterpreted Helga's intentions about staying for the summer. But alas, no.

She returns.

How do I know she is back?

I come home Monday night and can barely open the front door for all of the revolting clutter lying everywhere in the living room. Piles of dirty clothes, smelly camping gear: it is quite awful, no exaggeration. Even G-pod the First doesn't compare. But things only get worse from here. I go to the kitchen to find something for dinner and open my cupboard. Food that had been there hours before has now mysteriously disappeared. I go upstairs to take a shower. My bathroom towel is not only soaking wet, (um, ew?) but also has mysterious pink stuff smeared all over it. What is the pink stuff? I don't even want to know. I retrieve a clean towel from my bedroom and take a shower. I climb in bed, (Tiffany dozing in the bunk bed above me, though she has left the light on), and glance at the clock: almost midnight. I wonder where Helga is, as she is not occupying her usual space on the living room couch and the hour is late.

A while later, my question is joltingly answered: the doorbell rings. As anyone who has ever visited my apartment or rang the doorbell knows full well, this particular doorbell is loud enough to awaken the dinosaurs from extinction. So, naturally, I grumble to myself about the complete lack of common courtesy some people seem to possess, turn over, pull my covers a little tighter, and assume Tiffany will get up and let her friend in. But, as the last tones of the doorbell die away and the ringing in my ears begins to grow fainter, no stirrings come from the bed above me. And then the pounding on the door and a voice yelling up at our window begins. Before I have time to pull back the covers, the doorbell rings again. I go downstairs and open the door, and Helga enters without so much as a "thank you." I go back upstairs to bed.

(Grammar alert: I'm changing tenses. Writing about the past in the present is officially no longer amusing me.)

Yesterday, while at work, I received a text from my other roommate, Ashley--one of the most mild-mannered, kind, thoughtful roommates anyone could possibly ask for. But mild-mannered, soft-spoken Ashley was no more. The text she sent me was a message that was nearly six texts long, an explosion from someone who had finally had the last straw. Her 21st birthday is today, so she had invited some friends over last night to celebrate a little early and obviously didn't want them to have to wallow in filth. So she'd asked Helga very politely to clean up her mess. But did she? No. Not only was the apartment still a filthy mess, but now also beginning to smell. No, not just smell. Reek. Is there anything more disgusting than the smell of ripe body odor?

Ashley proceeded to give the apartment a thorough cleaning. She stacked all of Helga's belongings in one corner (she was very kind not to put them outside), and left a long note telling her that we'd had enough and that she was no longer welcome to stay with us (though she hadn't even asked in the first place, anyway).

When I got off work and came home, the apartment was sparkling clean, and completely silent, though it still smelled. I opened up a window to get a draft of cool, rain-freshened air to begin airing out the stench, and walked into the kitchen, where I found Helga sitting silently at the kitchen table. No words were exchanged. I went upstairs where Tiffany was sitting in our bedroom. She was silently doing homework. I went to bed, and when I woke up this morning, the apartment was still clean. There was no sleeping Helga sprawled on the couch.

Though her stuff is still piled in our apartment, I believe she may have learned her lesson: when one is a guest, one should act like a guest.


Lizzy said...

Oh MAN! What is it with Provo and crazy roommates and even crazier crazies? I am sorry you had to go through that! I'm glad your roommate finally put her foot down. I would have smacked the camper.

龍年生子 said...

Yeah! Smack that camper! I want weekly updates on Helga the Viking invader. I'm sorry you have such terrible luck with roommates; at least you can count on guys to be dependably somewhat messy without going overboard. Girls, on the other hand...

Hannah said...

I am so sorry that that happened to you. And especially a guest being that messy. I would go crazy if that happened to me. How long will she stay?

LaShel said...

Wow - that's simply atrocious. I'm pretty sure the real Vikings had to have been tidier and more polite than "Helga"

Also, I'm in Utah!! We should party... what's your schedule like this summer?

Dan Heintz said...

Britny, every time I read your blog I'm filled with envy over what a good writer you are and also filled with gratitude that I don't have to endure half the things you describe. :) I have three words of advice: Call The Management.

Little One said...

I'd have put her out on her ear right when she said she wasn't the new roommate. Bless your very patient heart.

MOMster said...

I don't tolerate other people's messes so you are indeed very patient to put up with it as long as you have. I would go to management if I were you though. If Helga is not paying rent, she shouldn't be there. Good luck with things.